Presidential Political Advice from the Alabama Kitchen Sink

Where do I start? First off, no one is immune to the foot-in-mouth disease compounded by audio and video coverage of every move or appearance for presidents or those aspiring to be president. Are you nuts? What a thankless job! Y’all have some pretty big egos to take it on, I’ll grant you that.

Let’s just look at last week’s installment of how not to get elected president and a bonus what can happen when you do.

John Edwards gets $400 haircuts and film of him primping with a compact mirror while a woman sprays the ‘do’ with hairspray ends up on YouTube with an “I Feel Pretty” soundtrack. Advice: John, I love ya’, but next time go down to the barbershop and get a cut. The kind of shop where they leave the hair on the floor until it builds up real good. Take a film crew with you. Chat with the old codgers while you’re at it. AKS Advice to John’s team: don’t allow the senator to be filmed with any mirrors, combs or hairspray.

John McClain tries to be funny with a take-off of an old Beach Boys song, ‘Ba ba ba ba Barbara Ann,’ except his version is Bom bom bom bom bom Iran. AKS Advice: Senator McClain please refrain from singing or making jokes. You look so uncomfortable. AKS Advice to handlers: what are you guys doing to this candidate? He’s self-destructing. Senator, find a coffeeshop, you know the one where all the old war veterans hang out for their morning coffee and visit it. Definitely not Starbucks. Take a film crew with you.

Tommy Thompson complains about the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel which suggests he pull out of the presidential race after the former Wisconsin governor says making money is “part of the Jewish tradition.” AKS Advice: Governor, quit bellyaching and tone down the dye-job on the hair. AKS Advice to campaign team: figure out a message fast because I have no idea what Thompson stands for, and if former Senator Fred Thompson gets into the race, your guy is toast. Sorry, but he already is.

And I saved the best for last. President Bush deviates from the prepared speech and takes questions at Tippecanoe High in Ohio with apparently the world’s oldest students judging from the audience shown in the video (look at Keith Olberman's site on MSNBC if you can bear it) of the loopy appearance. AKS Advice: Sir, any conversation that involves a discussion of “chicken plucking factories or whatever you call them” is going to leave people shaking their heads and wondering what were you thinking or more likely, have you forgotten how to speak without a script. AKS Advice to the team: you guys are one swell bunch and you’re doing everything just right. Don’t change a thing except encourage the President to do more impromptu speaking.